Walking Without Fear, Fearing
- Admin
- Aug 6, 2017
- 6 min read
Yellowstone National Park in Wyoming; I remember seeing pictures of it as a child and dreaming of seeing the geysers one day. At last that day had arrived and I didn't know what to expect, or the experience that I was about to have. I remember the awe of viewing all the intense varieties of colors in the natural pools; some were blue, others yellow, red, orange, green, and copper. I felt I was walking in prehistoric times, were it not for the hundreds of people around me and the comfortable boardwalk beneath my feet.
After walking several miles, we reached the last geyser in that trail. It was so beautiful and vibrant I couldn't stop taking photos and I didn't want to leave. But, we didn't have a lot of time to tour the park, so I suggested we split up so that I could go down another trail to view more geysers, and be picked up in that trail's parking lot. That would save us some time because it should take me the same amount of time to get to that new area as my ride's walk to the car and drive to pick me up.
I took a can of pepper spray in case I ran into a bear, my backpack, and a monopod for the camera and headed down the trail, alone.
The boardwalk was in great conditions, but I started noticing that on this trail there were fewer people. To be exact, there were four and they were on their way back. At this point, I couldn't turn back because my phone had no signal in this area and if I didn't make it to the parking lot on time, it could cause a lot of confusion, not to mention a possible search and rescue mission in the park! I decided to keep walking. A few minutes later I came to the end of the boardwalk, but not the end of the trail. I couldn't really tell what way I had to go to stay on the trail and I started getting nervous. At a distance I saw two people approaching, so I decided to wait to follow them...of course, to defend them if a bear attacked.
My hopes of using them as human shields (I confess) quickly disappeared. They were two kids who were lost. I showed them my map and they went back. Now what do I do? According to the map, I was already halfway through the trail (I have a pending conversation with the map designer). I took out my monopod like it was a jedi sword from Star Wars and kept walking.
I looked like a warrior. I was yelling "¡¡Akkkk, akkk, akkk!!" at the top of my lungs. I had read somewhere that you needed to make noises to scare away wild animals. I have to point out that bears make me panic. In fact, they are often the stars in my nightmares. To top things off, I had recently watched The Revenant, famous for its bear attack scene.
At first, I mustered up courage, and between my screams I recited all the Psalms that I could think of. "The angel of the Lord camps around those who fear him... The Lord is my shepherd... though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil!" It was like a combination of a revival meeting with a Braveheart speech, jedi battle, and an episode of jungle survival!
Plus, there were some... hmm, how do I say this delicately? There's no way. They were simply huge poops, so big they had to come from a huge animal, like a bear, a moose (both very dangerous), and from the looks of it, were still pretty fresh. Screaming, declaring in faith, and looking every which way, I kept walking.
At last I reached a geyser, and at a distance, I could see the main road and cars driving by. But, between me and the road there was an area of about 500 feet full of geysers and steam flowing from the ground. For a minute I even considered taking my chances and jumping over the fence and making a run for it between the geysers. Of course, I didn't do that and would NEVER recommend that since people have died by falling into geysers.
Well, now I was really sweating to the oldies. I assumed the trail continued through a wooded area, but there were no signs. The funny thing was that I was screaming, "I'm not afraid! God is with me!," quickly followed by an unpretentious confession, "Oh, Lord, I'm scared!!"
On the one hand, my lips and mind declared the truth of Scripture, but on the other, my heart and even my legs trembled with fear. I had no idea that was exactly what I was about to face just a few months after this trip. In some strange and unusual way, God was speaking to me in this forest.
In the same way in my life, after walking through a relatively firm path, I came upon the darkest valley I have ever had to walk through. A valley of suffering which, almost entirely, is faced alone, aware that danger is near, that the enemy is there, waiting to attack, to destroy my life. The Word comes into my mind, each Scripture I have read for years comes to sustain me, but my humanity, my lack of faith, my fears and worries fight against it constantly. "Yes, Lord, I am going to believe you, to trust in you. I know you have control of my life and that you are my Shepherd and that you care for me." Those are my words one day. The next day, or simply hours later, "Lord, where are you? What is all of this? I don't understand, I'm scared. Do you really have a plan?"
Isn't that what we do? In one Psalm David declared, "The Lord is my light and my salvation--whom should I fear? (27:1 CSB) and in another, "Fear and trembling have beset me; horror has overwhelmed me" (55:5 NIV). The constant struggle to believe God is with us, that He's in control, and will never leave us.
I understood better than ever that deep down, our story is about believing God. Constantly. In moments of joy and moments of sorrow. When the path is clear and when I don't know where to place my next step. When there's abundance, or when there is need. When there is company, or when loneliness is so deep it hurts.
That's what the Israelites did over and over. God would deliver them with great miracles, and shortly after, "Is the Lord among us or not?" (Ex.17:7). That's what I do. Even though I don't want to. Even though his words are in my heart. Even though he provided a job when I needed it most. Even though he stirred up a friend to pray for me during a night of intense spiritual battle. Even though he gives me breath when I feel I can barely breathe. Even though I have seen his provision, his care, and what I could describe as a ray of his glory. I doubt. I fear. I scream. I tremble.
But thanks be to Him that my doubts don't determine his faithfulness! That my fear doesn't stop his power. That my sadness doesn't put out the rivers of living water he offers me.
In my valley, He goes before me. In my path full of dangers, He already walked and tells me, "Keep walking, come with me, don't be afraid. Scream all you need to, I understand." Because he was also deeply grieved to the point of death, so much that his sweat was like drops of blood; he was afflicted, experienced in brokenness. Because Jesus also asked, "...take this cup away from me--nevertheless, not my will, but yours be done" (Luke 22:42 CSB).
When I finally made it out of that trail in Yellowstone, without running into a bear or moose, I almost plopped on the road. I had made it despite my fears and weakness. Then it made me laugh thinking about how funny I must have looked and how bears possible ran away scared of me.
I am still in the midst of my valley at this time. I am in the daily battle of submitting my thoughts to obedience in Christ. Of attacking my doubts with the truth of Scripture. God has not freed me from this brokenness. But He walks with me. He goes before me and behind me. He surrounds me, he gives me courage. My fears dwindle when I praise Him. His provision will supply my needs. He will make my feet like hinds feet, he will lift my head up, my cup will run over. I don't know when, I don't know how, but he's done it before and will do it again. He will fight for me. He will fight for you. What we need to do is keep walking, declaring his Word even when fear paralyzes us, and follow Him.
"Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." Psalm 27:14